


just lay here

by toxica939



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 20:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11744241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxica939/pseuds/toxica939
Summary: Five times Aaron helped Robert get some sleepORa rebuilding, one nap at a time





	just lay here

The first time it happens, it’s an accident. Robert’s been awake for almost three days straight; hours spent staring at the peeling paint on the ceiling of Vic’s spare room, listening to the wind whistling through the gaps in the aging window frame, the creaks and groans of the house settling. He’s running on empty; caffeine and bacon not enough to stop his vision swimming while he tries to reply to emails he doesn’t remember receiving.

His relief that at least there’s no one around this afternoon to see him completely failing to cope at life is short lived, because Aaron comes barrelling through the door while Robert’s mid eye rub.

He’s whistling and the sound cuts off abruptly when he see Robert sitting there. The cabin door clangs shut behind him, blanketing them in silence. Robert hates the tension that hums between them these days, how tentative he feels around someone who knows him better than he knows himself. It’s frustrating and it makes his heart hurt. It’s also not helping him sleep at night.

Being around Aaron is like pressing on a bruise. Makes him feel aching and tender, but he can’t stop. Leaving Aaron alone has never been an option.

Robert scrubs his hand over his face, tries to look as put together as he can manage.

Aaron’s brow wrinkles. “You look awful. You alright?”

“Thanks very much,” Robert busies himself clicking through windows on his laptop aimlessly. He wishes he could lie to Aaron as easily as he can lie to everyone else. To himself.

Aaron comes closer, hitches a leg on to the corner of Robert’s desk, hands twisting in his lap. “You know you can talk to me.”

He can’t though, can he?

Robert looks up at him; earnest blue eyes and the gentle swell of lips that Robert misses like breathing. It shakes the truth free from his chest. “Just not sleeping great.”

“Again?”

Robert shakes his head. “Still,” he looks away. “It doesn’t matter, nothing for you to worry about.”

Aaron looks sceptical but he never pushes back when Robert dismisses him these days. It’s a stark reminder that Aaron’s not his any more. He eyes Robert for a moment though, before he moves away. “I’ve got some paperwork I need to sort out,” he says. “Get your head down for a bit if you want, I’ll be quiet.”

Robert doesn’t mean to go along with it, but there’s something soothing about the familiar sound of Aaron grumbling under his breath as he shuffles papers, the scratch of his pen. It’s enough to make Robert’s eyelids heavy.

When Robert blinks awake the light is fading and his arms are numb from pillowing his head, neck and shoulders tight. His head still feels fuzzy from sleeping too deeply for too short of a time but the throbbing in his temples has eased.

Aaron’s nowhere to be seen.

:::

It’s a Thursday morning in October, stupidly early, sky turning orange at the edges as the sun wakes up. Aaron’s got the heating on full blast, hands held over the vents while he waits for Robert to get his stuff together.

Robert glances out the open cabin door, holds up a finger when Aaron waves at him to get a move on; _one more minute_.

He’s moving slowly this morning, he knows he is. It’s getting better but he was tossing and turning all night. He’d spent the evening testing out Vic’s new recipes for the van with her and Bex. The baby kicking every time Vic served up something the wrong side of too spicy.

Robert had curved a palm over the swell of Rebecca’s belly, felt his son push back. It wasn’t the first time he’d felt him move but there’s something about it, something that makes it feel real in a way that buying car seats and muslin squares never will. It left him buzzing, anchorless. Another night watching shadows on the ceiling while the minutes ticked by.

“Don’t forget to get the guy to sign the release form,” Adam’s saying, spinning in his chair.

Robert bites back the response he wants to make. The awkward truce between himself and Adam is holding as long as Robert doesn’t upset Aaron or say too much about anything at all. It’s too early and he’s too tired to go three rounds with Adam Barton about how to do his job.

“We will. Don’t worry about it. Aaron knows what he’s doing, I’m only going to keep Clifton sweet.”

Adam scoffs. “Yeah, right.”

Robert ducks out the door before he can kick off again. Aaron’s the one who asked him to come to the meeting, it’s nothing to do with Adam or whatever he thinks he knows.

“Took your time,” Aaron says when Robert slides into the passenger seat, twists to put his bag on the back seat. It puts his chest right up against Aaron’s shoulder and he curses the way it makes his stomach flip.

Robert sits back, fastening his seat belt as Aaron pulls out of the yard, gravel crunching. “Last minute pep talk from Adam,” he says.

Aaron huffs, flicking the indicator on. “Ignore him. I’ve told him to keep his nose out.”

“He’s just worried about you.” Robert doesn’t blame him; the dark smudges under Aaron’s eyes match his own.

“Well he doesn’t need to.”

They pull in to let a car pass on the narrow road, hedgerow up against Aaron’s window. Robert contemplates telling him about last night, about the baby moving under his hands. Aaron’s told him he doesn’t have to pretend it’s not happening just for his sake but it still feels wrong. Like a scab he shouldn’t be picking at.

Robert’s never been good at letting things be though. “I felt the baby kick last night,” he says, keeps his gaze fixed firmly on the horizon. It doesn’t stop him clocking the way Aaron’s fingers flex on the steering wheel out the corner of his eye.

Aaron coughs. “Yeah?”

Robert hums.

“Is it. Is everything going well? With all of that.”

Robert shrugs. “As far as I know.”

He sees Aaron glance at him. “Good, that’s good. Liv was asking last week, if you’re excited about it.”

Robert doesn’t believe that for a minute. Last time he saw Liv she thumped him in the arm and made him buy her a hot chocolate. They’ve been studiously not talking about the whole situation ever since she decided she couldn’t be bothered to hate him if it wasn’t going to make Aaron feel better.

“Did she?” he shrugs again. “I don’t know how I feel.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything else, just reaches over to turn the radio up a little.

Robert leans his head against the window, lets the vibrations from the road rattle through him. He’s warm now, exhausted through to his bones. He can smell the clean mint of Aaron’s shampoo, the thermos of coffee sitting in the centre consol. It’s comforting even while it hollows his chest out; so many familiar things that are far away from him now.

This time it’s Aaron that wakes him. There’s a gentle hand over Robert’s hair that pulls away when his eyes open. Robert can feel the ghost of that touch, isn’t sure if he imagined it.

“We’re here,” Aaron says, that morning rough voice he used to tease Robert awake with when they shared a bed.

Robert blinks at him. He can see the freckles across the bridge of Aaron’s nose; they ripple when it wrinkles, Aaron’s hand dropping to squeeze Robert’s knee before falling away.

“Come on, sleepy. I need you to charm Clifton for me so I can lock Mr Griffiths into this deal,” Aaron’s still hovering close, eyes soft. Robert wants to fit his face to the warm crook of his neck, breathe him in.

He shakes himself awake. There’s rain on the windscreen now, pattering the roof of the car. “Sorry, must have nodded off.”

“Don’t worry about it. Did you bring the blue forms?”

And just like that, the moment slips away.

:::

It’s March now, the first warm day of the year. Unseasonably so, in fact. Robert’s still used to the winter chill, feels exposed with his shirt untucked against the heat, sleeves rolled up as he works beside Vic.

The Mill kitchen is empty, everyone gathered outside to cheer Aaron and Adam on as they get the barbie going for the first time this year.

Robert scoops the tomatoes he’s just chopped into the salad bowl, wipes his hands clean.

“Thanks Rob,” Vic says, nudging him with her hip. “Didn’t think anyone’d stick around to help me.”

Robert shrugs, watches through the window as a wide grin splits Aaron’s face. “Yeah, well. I haven’t got the energy for those lot today.”

He likes the quiet of inside, the familiar shuffle of Vic telling him what to do. Truth is, celebrating Adam’s grand return to the village after a laughably short absence, isn’t really his idea of a good time. He’d rather keep his sister company.

Vic rubs a hand up his arm. “Still not sleeping any better?”

Robert shrugs. He’s barely slept at all since Rebecca left the village. And before that he’d been up all night helping take care of a baby that wasn’t his at all, in the end. It’s been a long time since Robert felt rested.

Today isn’t about him though.

“I’m fine,” he says. “Just a long week. How are you? About him coming back, I mean.”

Vic rolls her eyes. “What’s it got to do with me?”

It’s the same thing Robert’s been saying for months, every time she brings up how Aaron’s doing or whether he thinks Aaron looks worn out.

They know how to tell lies, the Sugdens. Especially to themselves.

Robert finds himself on a picnic blanket spread across the grass for most of the afternoon. Liv sits with him for a while, stealing sips of his beer when she thinks he’s not looking. She only wanders off when Aaron drops down beside him.

He’s sun-flushed, pink across his cheeks, sunglasses slipping down his nose.

Robert lays back, head pillowed on one arm and watches the clouds pass overhead. They make small talk, like they always do these days, now they’re friends, or whatever. Robert had set aside the torch he’d been carrying when Aaron had started seeing some dark haired little idiot over Christmas, realised he hadn’t quite managed to put it out when Aaron told him it was over before it had even begun. It’s difficult to know where they stand now; no baby, no Rebecca, nothing between them but time and the mess they always make of everything. Robert’s still wearing his wedding ring.

Aaron lies down beside him, shoulder to shoulder.

“Rabbit,” Aaron says, pointing to the sky.

There’s a cloud above that looks nothing like a rabbit at all but Robert huffs a laugh anyway.

“How you doing?” Aaron asks quietly, folding his hands across his stomach.

Robert turns his head so they’re looking at each other. “Been better,” he says. “Been worse. You?”

It makes Aaron smile. “About the same, yeah. I am sorry you know, about-“

Robert cuts him off. “I know, you said. It’s fine. Probably for the best.”

“Is it?” there’s an intensity to the way he says it that makes Robert wish he could see Aaron’s eyes. Aaron’s eyes have never lied to him.

Robert sighs. He feels weary from lack of sleep, limbs heavy from the sun and the beer, the weight of Aaron’s body alongside his own. “Well it wasn’t exactly the ideal way to bring life into the world, was it?”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not still rubbish,” Aaron points out.

Robert will allow that. Elliot had filled an Aaron shaped whole in his life for a while, with gummy smiles and screwed up eyes. Robert would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt. But there are different kinds of pain, he’s learning. This kind he can live with.

“It is rubbish,” he says. “But I’m alright. Promise.”

Aaron nods, seems to settle a bit heavier against Robert’s arm. “Good.”

“And you?” Robert asks, because it’s not often he’s allowed to ask any more. “Are you alright? Liv said it didn’t work out with whatshisname.”

Aaron’s mouth twitches. “Daniel. Nah, that was no big deal. I’m not crying myself to sleep about it or anything.”

It hangs awkwardly in the air between them, what Aaron’s not saying.

Robert feels half asleep already. Maybe it’s that that makes him brave, makes him push his luck one more time. “Do you want to get a drink next week? Wednesday maybe?”

He tries not to hold his breath while he waits for an answer but it’s difficult.

Aaron looks at him, soft mouth and the reflection of Robert’s own face in the dark lenses of his sunglasses. The moment drags.

“Yeah,” Aaron says, in the end. “Yeah, why not.”

His hand slips down from his belly, knuckles pressed to the back of Robert’s wrist between them.

It’s Liv who takes the photo, he finds out later, the pair of them sprawled out in the sun, mouths open in sleep, heads tipped together.

:::

Dating Aaron is weird. Mostly because they’re not actually dating. They go out for beers, sit with their elbows brushing in the pub, share chips and crisps and enough laughs that it starts to feel easy again.

It’s like nothing’s changed even though everything has. It’s terrifying.

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon now, settled on the sofa in Robert’s new place (it’s not new, it’s been months, but Aaron’s never been inside before) watching a film Robert suspects Aaron has already seen.

Robert stifles a yawn. He’s warm and his belly’s full, it’s making him sleepy.

“Am I keeping you up?” Aaron asks, rolling his head along the back of the sofa to look at Robert.

Robert opens his mouth to answer and is interrupted by another yawn. Aaron laughs.

“Sorry,” Robert says. “I didn’t sleep great last night.”

Aaron’s eyes are serious. “When do you ever?”

It cuts a bit too close to the bone. It’s clear at this point that Robert will probably never sleep as well as he does with Aaron spooned up behind him. He’d been dealing with it just fine until that started to seem like a possibility again. Now he’s pining for something that’s just within reach.

Aaron reaches out, lays the length of his palm to Robert’s cheek. “I don’t either, you know,” he says. “I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep.”

Robert meets his eyes, lays it all on the line. “I do. I remember.”

He watches Aaron’s eyelids dip, the splay of dark lashes. When Aaron looks back up his eyes are the bluest thing Robert has ever seen. “Yeah.”

Something explodes on the TV across the room but it’s muffled, feels far away.

Robert chews his lip and Aaron’s eyes track that as well. “I missed you so much,” he says, a whisper, like truths always are.

Aaron nods, fingertips feathering across Robert’s forehead, smoothing his hair back. “I know. Me too.”

Robert doesn’t know who moves first but then they’re kissing. Their lips meet and part, come back together again. It zings through Robert’s nerve endings when Aaron’s mouth opens, when their tongues touch in the space they’ve made between them.

They kiss for what feels like a long time, Robert’s fingers caught up in the soft material of Aaron’s t shirt.

They stretch out on the sofa eventually, mouths still meeting, but it’s lazy now; lips dragging, legs tangled. They fall asleep like that, wrapped up in each other, right where they’re supposed to be.

:::

They next time they sleep together they’re in Aaron’s bed (their bed, Aaron says, it’s still their bed.) They brush their teeth together, hustling for space in the mirror. Aaron still sprays toothpaste everywhere when he spits and Robert still rolls his eyes.

Liv pokes her head around the door when they’re folding back the duvet, one hand clapped over her eyes for safety. It’s become kind of a staple for her since the last time she walked in on them on the sofa downstairs.

Aaron rolls right into Robert’s chest, wraps his arm over Robert’s body to hold them together.

“Alright?” he asks, like he can’t tell Robert’s never been better.

Robert lets himself melt into the sheets. He tucks his face down into Aaron’s chest, soaks in everything he’s been missing.

Aaron’s fingers card through Robert’ hair and Robert falls asleep like that, held tight.

**Author's Note:**

> join me on tumblr, i'm vckaarrob


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